


tired of chasing the words i need to say

by fueledbygaymen



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Fluff, Light Angst, Nonbinary Character, Other, they both say dumb stuff but it's Fine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:53:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26018338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fueledbygaymen/pseuds/fueledbygaymen
Summary: “Let me finish, Cal.” Their words came faster than before. This was the one chance Michael had to say the words racing through their mind, and there was no going back. “I can’t keep doing this with you under the impression you think I’m a guy,” they rushed out, immediately looking away.
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Calum Hood
Comments: 20
Kudos: 46





	tired of chasing the words i need to say

**Author's Note:**

> *taps mic* is this thing on?
> 
> first off, 2 thank yous, to [em](http://www.jbhmalum.tumblr.com) and [mikey](http://www.mastasof-ravenkroft.tumblr.com)  
> em, thank you for allowing me to run away with my nb!mikey headcanons, bringing them to life in your own way and encouraging me to post this too. this truly wouldn't be getting posted without you and your editting work. i've learned a lot to say the least. you're absolutely amazing.  
> mikey, thank you for reminding me of the importance of stories that include people like us, and giving me the confidence to want to be a part of creating those stories too.
> 
> this is my first fic ever published in any fandom, even though I've been knocking about for around 10 years.
> 
> title is from the song running scared by the blackout, which was honestly just a coincidence that it was the first song that played in my car when I started planning this in my head.  
> enjoy! comments are very much appreciated or you can find me on tumblr [here](http://www.tigerteeff.tumblr.com) if you just wanna chat.

There was merely time for a quick exchange of “hi’s” before Calum crowded in to press his lips against Michael’s, his hands threading in the grown-out hair along their neck. It was instinct for Michael to place their hands at Calum’s hips and squeeze gently, as the movement of their lips against each other filled the space where words should have been. 

Michael had been psyching themself up for hours for this, though, the adrenaline of knowing what they had to say being the only thing allowing them to remove their hands, and rest them on Calum’s chest. With the un-familiar action, Calum moved his head back, hands still resting around Michael’s neck. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked, brow furrowed in genuine concern. They’d been doing this for a couple weeks—their first drunken kiss at Ashton’s house party, which turned into slightly less drunk kisses at a show, and the flirty texts and selfies in between—and Michael had never shown any sign of wanting to slow down. This was what it had been building to, Calum here in Michael’s apartment hallway, the expectations of the evening ahead lingering between them.

“I can’t keep doing this—” Michael began. But before they could continue, Calum’s hands were already gone from their neck, leaving the space feeling empty. 

“I’m sorry, I thought—" Calum said with a shake of his head.

“Let me finish, Cal.” Their words came faster than before. This was the one chance Michael had to say the words racing through their mind, and there was no going back. “I can’t keep doing this with you under the impression you think I’m a guy,” they rushed out, immediately looking away.

“What?” was all Calum said, a slight laugh of disbelief in his voice, searching Michael’s face for something more, but their eyes couldn’t meet. 

“I’m not a guy,” Michael responded. As if that helped explain what they were saying any further. There was more space between the two now, Michael’s arms had dropped to their sides. Unsure of what to do with them, they fiddled with the hem of their shirt until Calum spoke again. 

“I don’t think I understand what’s going on right now. What, are you a girl, then? Because I don’t think-”

“No, no, not that. I’m not a girl.”

“Well, that’s good, I guess,” his hesitance laced between the words, and the slight exhale of a laugh.

“I mean I’m not either. I’m not a guy, or a girl. And I know you’re gay so you've probably been kissing me because you thought I was a guy but I’m not and now I don’t know what to do because I really want to do this with you Cal, whatever we’re doing, I really like you but I don’t want you to do something you regret because I’m not who you think I am.” 

It felt like it all came out in one breath. Michael’s gaze continued to bore into their own hands, sleeves pulled down over them, still unable to look Calum in the eye in case it all became too much. Afraid to see Calum angry or disappointed or at worse, disgusted. 

Instead, Calum's hands came to theirs. Releasing Michael's anxious grip on the fabric between their fingers. Replacing it with his own soft fingers, rubbing circles with his thumbs into the back of their hands. 

"Shall we sit down, Mike?" Michael's head finally lifted to look at Calum's face, the question making the tension in their chest release slightly. He wasn't going to leave. He wasn't angry. This was, good?

Michael nodded and led the pair from the hallway, one hand behind them still joined by the gentle grip of Calum’s own.

There wasn’t much to Michael’s living room, but the comforting walls of their own apartment and their familiar spot on the couch made Michael feel more at ease, letting out a breath as they crossed their legs beneath themself. Calum, still not breaking the contact he had with Michael, took his place beside them.

“Listen, Michael, I- wait, is it still Michael?” they nodded, allowing Calum to continue, “Michael, I really like you too, and I’m really happy you told me. This is just a bit new for me.”

“Me too, I guess. I mean, you’re the first person I’ve told, like, apart from Ashton and Luke,” they confessed with a small shrug.

“So what does it mean? If you’re not a boy or a girl? Have you got, like-” he vaguely gestured to his body with his free hand, before changing his mind, removing his occupied hand from Michael’s and placing them both over his face, ”Oh god, no, don’t answer that,” he blurted, shaking his head. ”I’m sorry, that was so out of line.”

Michael couldn’t help the short laugh that escaped them, prising Calum’s hands from his face. “It’s fine, I get it. I still look like a boy, that’s what I grew up as- pretending I was. I’m just, not. I’m non-binary.”

“Non-binary, huh, okay,” he pondered with a smile. His hand had found its way back to Michael’s while they had been speaking, smoothing reassuring motions into their skin. “Do I still call you ‘he’?” 

"I think I prefer 'they' right now."

"Okay, as in 'they look really good tonight'?" Calum quipped. 

A blush rose to Michael's cheeks as they responded, "Yeah, as in, ‘They really hope Calum still wants to kiss them after this’.”

"Oh sure, so as in, 'Calum wouldn't think twice before kissing them again'," the boy replied, smirking as he watched Michael's eyes crinkle with their shy smile. 

"Sounds good to me," Michael spoke softly, eyes flicking to Calum's lips at the thought.

When Michael came back to look Calum in the eye, the boy closed the gap between the pair, moving to take up half of Michael's lap as their lips met again. This was different to all their kisses before though, more intimate. An invisible barrier removed from between them. 

Calum had one hand cupping Michael's jaw and the other occasionally making unconscious scritches in their hair, causing a little spark through Michael's body each time he'd move his fingers. He let his tongue swipe across Michael’s lips, the kiss deepening as Michael’s fingers splayed across the exposed skin of Calum’s back.

As Calum moved to take a breath, he began trailing his mouth to Michael's jaw, tilting their head and leaving kisses across the sensitive skin where their neck began. Michael's breath hitched as Calum continued down the column of their exposed throat, one hand moving to rest on their chest. 

The soft kisses didn't last long before Calum carefully grazed his teeth along Michael's skin, testing their response as a sign whether to continue. 

"Calum—" Michael voiced breathily. 

Calum hummed against Michael's neck in response, running his tongue across the skin where his teeth had just been. 

"Calum," they said more clearly, causing Calum to lift his head, cocked slightly in silent concern. "Is it okay if we don’t have sex tonight?" Michael asked. 

"Hmm, of course. Do you want me to stop?" there was a slight frown to his face. 

"No, no, the kissing and, this, this is fine. It's just, today has been a lot off my chest and my brain is fried." 

"Of course that’s okay Mikey," Calum replied, offered a comforting smile. 

"I’m sorry you came all the way over here to not get laid, but we can do something else, like, a movie. I’ve got tons of movies. Or just keep making out. That’s also fine. I really don’t mind, I just hope you stay for a while longer because you're so nice.” Calum had noticed Michael would do this when they tried to assert their feelings—rambling until they ran out of breath or until Calum reassured them.

"Michael, I never came here just to have sex with you."

"I know that, fuck. I didn’t mean—God now I’m doing it,” they laughed, covering their face with both hands and leaning their head back on the sofa. 

Calum shifted so his legs straddled Michael's lap, wriggling til Michael uncrossed their own legs and allowed Calum to sit atop their thighs. He grabbed Michael's hands away from their face, laughing quietly at their screwed up expression.

"Listen you goof, maybe I do want to sleep with you. But only when it's right for both of us. I'm staying here because I like being with you. I want to spend time with you," Calum insisted earnestly, lacing his fingers with Michael's on either side of their head.

Michael lifted their head from the back of the sofa with a smile, expecting to welcome more kisses from the boy in his lap. Instead, however, Calum suddenly moved to stand up, dragging Michael with them. 

"Jeez, what was that for, I was comfy."

"Show me what movies you've got then," Calum beamed. 

"Well I think the real question is what movies _haven't_ I got," Michael responded smugly. 

"Oh no," Calum teased with a drawn-out whine, "They're a nerd."

"You're lucky you're cute y'know," Michael chuckled fondly, placing a small kiss on Calum's nose. "C'mon." 

Michael led the way to their room, as Calum added, "Just know I'm not watching anything with bloody superheroes in it." 

"Ah, we'll see about that." 


End file.
